QUESTION: I am an only child of my last remaining parent. My mother is 94. I am 64 and just retired. I didn’t think or expect to become a caregiver. It left me in a depression for which I am getting help. But everyday, when I go to visit my mother and do things for her, it hits me so hard that I will eventually be losing a parent and it’s very sad to see her so old and getting age related problems, etc., I find myself worrying 24/7 and unable to enjoy myself and preoccupied with how to handle her issues and how to help her. Any advice will help. Thanks.
WHAT THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE SAY
When My Mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s I knew this would be Our last journey together. While My Heart was breaking inside, I always wore My happy face when attending to Mom’s needs, and I sang old Irish songs, and I recited poetry that Mam learned while at school in the 1930’s and 40’s. Then one day Mother recalled that all Her Friends are gone, naming a few, and I’m the next to go She said. And this is what Mam said to Me…….Yes We must go to make way for the Young, because the Yought must have Their fling………We’ve had Our time, and now that time is Theirs to Live, and to Love and toil as We have done……….THESE FEW LINES EXPLAIN THE CYCLE OF LIFE, and We must accept this is how it must be. After all it is only inevitable that Our Parents will be gone before Us. Mam passed away last June and I am now alone, but Life goes on. It has to. Cherish the time You have, with Your dear Mother and stop worrying and grieving, since You will have plenty time for grieving after Your Mom is gone. Be strong and I wish You and Your dear Mother well.
Being a logistical caregiver — marshalling resources for mom — is still caregiving. Don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise. And ohhhh, people will. Same goes for the crushing pressure to bring mom to your house or move in with her. (bloggers note: this is what others always have guilted me into feeling.) If that’s not for you, that’s fine. (Again, search this forum for accounts of the highs and lows of that game-changing life decision.)
You worked your whole life for this retirement. It is your investment and your reward. Don’t destroy your pysche (and your health) by turning it all over to your mother. Make a clear-eyed evaluation of mom’s “wants” vs mom’s needs. Analyze the needs first. And again, no shame in outsourcing this or that. “Wants” fall into a different tier of decision-making. And the “wants” (hopefully) are an opportunity to choose some things you can do for mom that are mutually enjoyable — and not merely transactional.
Best to you. These are rough years. And draining. And sad, at times. Keep making the effort to not get lost in all this. Your well-being matters, too. So you need to live like your well-being matters. All day, every day. 🙂
My Mother's Dementia 